I can’t say I decided right away that Iwas going to pack my things and leave with a man I had only known for a couple of months. I can’t say that because i didn’t decide it right away. But with all decision making, you assess the risks and if you are able to then mitigate it, or if to accept it.
The only risk I thought i would face is learning much later on that we are not right for each other anymore.
I could cope with losing an income. A job is a job and he line of work I was in was never my passion. I never felt alive. In fact i used it to fuel the activities that make me feel alive, like driving to remote bits of nature and Philosophising in between smokey highs.
I could cope with parting with my clothes, my belongings, everything i had accumulated for years! They are all just mass manufactured paraphernalia anyway. Easily reobtained just like money.
I could cope with not knowing if i would have a roof over my head every night or even if we would be able to have a shower for the next few days. Shelter can be basic and comfort spoils our capacity for tolerance. Plus I’m fortunate to not have a pungent B.O.
But I could NOT cope with the risk of losing, a love so clean, pure and real, that it had to be manifested from our own hearts. It was not created from expectations from friends or family memb err s, it happened too quickly for them to know. It was not desired by physical appearances, the physical can only bring you so far. Mentality make take you further than the physical. But when two naked souls meet and all that the other sees is all the oher has to offer, you know then if the love developed is real love for another’s existence… for the other’s heartbeat.
I knew I could not cope with not hearing Clément’s heartbeat, or not having him sleep on the pillow next to mine i knew i could not cope with ot hearing his voice and seeing his face simultaneously. I knew that I loved him deeply, like i had never loved anyone before and most importantly, I knew he loved me in the same way. And that was the selling point! He had made it known from the second we first laid eyes on each other, that he was going to be by my side for the rest of my life; that he was going to love me for the rest of my life, and he would give anythin and everything he had just for me to be happy.
No I could not cope with the risk of losing this man, who later would be known as the love of my life. And saying the “love of my life” is not something easily said these days. It’s not easy to say it unless you feel it.
The initial plan was for him to leave Australia to apply for a tourist visa and come back for another 3 months. But why would you want to part with the one you love, even if it is only temporary? It’s unnecessary. Yes I can be without him, but what for? Yes I could be with another man, but what for? In a short time, I grew to learn that he was not just my lover but also my best friend. I want to see him all the time. I want to share m thoughts and opinions, my dreams and ni th tmares with him, but most importantly, I wanted to share my love with him. And for the first time in my life, I felr real love with someone for how he makes me feel and not for my parents.
And so we left Canberra, then he proposed to me. He too wanted to spend the rest of his waking life with me!
I reminisced this and decided to write this tonight because today was a bumpy day for us. The heat, the exhaustion and the slow progress on our chicken house (a project we undertook for our Helpx host) was the initial fire starter. We started speaking impatiently to each other and snapped at each other. We needed some time for a refresher. Clem went on motorbike ride just as it was starting to pour. I was in the house with Kelly at this stage and my first thought was to go running down the pothole road to call him to come back. But I knew he would have left already. He was only gone for an hour and he is a highly capable man, but it was insane how much I was missing him already.
Suddenly there was a faint tap on the window, and i saw him completely drenched to the bone, cold but smiling. I went straight to him and kissed him as if I hadn’t seen him in weeks!
“When two souls fall in love, there is nothing else but the
yearning to be close to the other. The presence that is felt
through a hand held, a voice heard, or a smile seen.
Souls do not have calendars or clocks, nor do they understand
the notion of time or distance. They only know it feels right to
be with one another.
This is the reason why you miss someone so much when they
are not there— even if they are only in the very next room.
Your soul only feels their absence— it doesn’t realize the
separation is temporary.”
― Lang Leav
That same afternoon we went on a motorbike ride into Jimbaran town and I had a go at driving the scooter. Safe to say I need more practice… (I nearly hit an oncoming rider in opposing traffic).